229. The Heavy Burdens Kids Carry: Loyalty Binds, Parental Allegiance, and How to Help
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If you’ve ever watched your child’s mood shift the moment they step into a handoff…
Or felt the sting of being kept at arm’s length for reasons you can’t explain…
You’re not imagining it.
In blended families, kids often carry emotional burdens they were never meant to hold.
In this episode, we name two of the most common “under-the-surface” struggles: loyalty binds (when a child feels torn between a bio parent and a stepparent) and parental allegiance (when a child feels pressure to align with one parent over the other). We share real-life stories, including the quiet pain behind the rejection of a stepparent's sweet gesture, and the way a joyful moment can suddenly collapse into guilt after a call with the other parent.
But we don’t stop at awareness. We give you a plan. We’ll help you slow down, step into your child’s shoes, and create emotional safety. We’ll help step-parents stay hopeful and keep expectations realistic. And we’ll challenge bio parents to protect their kids from adult tension by choosing the neutral zone (where curiosity lowers the temperature and kids are freed to love without feeling responsible for anyone’s emotions).
The win isn’t perfect co-parenting or flawless moments. It’s this: kids get out of the middle, pressure starts to lift, and your home has room for trust, connection, and peace to grow.
You’ll Discover:
The difference between a loyalty bind and parental allegiance, and how each one shows up in real life.
How emotion coaching helps your child process hard feelings without forcing apologies or rushing an unrealistic "fix".
What step-parents can do to cope with rejection (and why “crockpot bonding” protects your heart and builds trust over time).
The subtle ways parents accidentally tighten the bind and what to say/do instead to keep kids free to love everyone in both homes.
How to find and stay in the neutral zone when insecurity, fear, jealousy, or discomfort hits.
Resources from this Episode:
Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships by Patricia Papernow
Episode 222. Step-by-Step Guide: Facing Painful Pushback Without Making Things Worse (part 1 of 2)
Episode 72. The Best Way to Create Healthy, Bonded Relationships
Episode 159. How to Stay Hopeful as a Stepparent When You're Continually Rejected and Hurt
Episode 161. How do Healthy Parent/Child Roles Help Avoid the Pitfalls of Parentification? [with Ron Deal & Lauren Reitsema]
Episode 210. Is your child pulling away? Here's How to Respond with Wisdom and Love
Episode 211. 8 Warning Signs Your Ex is Manipulating Your Child's Heart and Mind
Ready for personalized support? Schedule your free coaching call
We all need some extra support along the blending journey — we're here to help. You can connect with us for a free coaching call to see how we might help you experience more clarity, confidence, and connection in your home. Schedule your free call here: https://calendly.com/mikeandkimcoaching/freesession
Feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to start?
With so many episodes available here on the show, it might feel a bit overwhelming to find the topics that matter most to you. That's why we've created the Blended Family Breakthrough Quiz which will direct you to the most impactful episodes that pertain to you personally.
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