A New Family Forms

Later, my dad, my sister, and I moved from my grandparents. I was around 7 years old at the time. It wasn’t long before Dad announced that he planned to re-marry. His fiancée, Sue, had two kids of her own and I remember feeling excited that I would finally have a mother!

Living in The Brady Bunch era, I had an illusion of stepfamily life being instant, happy, and easy. I don’t recall Dad and Sue dating for very long, so the “instant” part felt right, but the reality of struggle was just around the corner.

Packing along the “baggage” of our past is something we all bring into our marriages. Dad and Sue were no exception. The stresses of stepfamily life seemed to somehow magnify the wounds of the past leaving us trapped in dysfunction. This was the early 80’s and the availability of specific help for navigating blended family dynamics wasn’t readily available.

On My Own

Early adolescence and my teen years were fearful and lonely. As a result, I left home at the age of 16 and spent my time chasing thrills with virtually no accountability.

At the age of 24, life caught up with me. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease, a form of blood cancer, and quickly realized that I was not invincible. During my months of chemotherapy and radiation, I began to turn inward — to examine my life. I received counseling and began facing my fears from the past. I finally found some hope.

Really? Another Stepfamily!?

It was during that season when I met Kim. For many months, we were simply friends. She had been divorced and had a little girl named Annika. In the late summer of 2000, it was like a switch was flipped in my heart and I realized that I was falling deeply in love with Kim. Yet, I was fearful of creating a blended family. My love for Kim and Annika overruled my fears and we were married in March of 2001.

The weekend before our wedding a conference about practical tools for success in stepfamily life was being offered at a local church. With the wedding only a week away, our schedule was chaotic but we decided to attend anyway.

It was one of the best decisions we have ever made!

That weekend taught us to approach the blending of our family with an intentional success strategy. It prompted us to lead stepfamily classes and groups in our community to help others who needed help just like us. Personally, it helped me understand why my “stepfamily of origin” struggled in so many ways. While it didn’t excuse the reality of our dysfunction, it started a new journey of empathy, understanding, and forgiveness toward Dad and Sue.

Getting Help — Giving Help

Since our wedding, Kim and I have wrestled through many tough seasons. From day-to-day struggles of disciplining, allegiances, and jealousies — to major challenges of a 3-year legal battle with Kim’s ex and several years of Annika in rebellion. We have added two more kids to the family, struggled with financial stress, grappled through marital strife, and faced our own wounds of the past. Through these seasons we have sought help from mentors, counselors, and coaches. Now, in turn, we are working to help others. Through both receiving and giving help, we continue to learn and grow; discovering hope, stability, and love in our dynamic blended family life.

Here are just some of the things we’ve learned along the way:

• How to set our expectations appropriately for each other and our children

• How to effectively build relationships within complex dynamics

• Negotiating discipline and reward strategies

• Understanding the losses that stepfamily life brings to children

• Navigating the feelings of loneliness and being “stuck” that both adults and children can experience